


A Love Less Ordinary

by RachaelGold



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Scenes of torture...not excessively graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-28
Updated: 2018-04-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 00:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14460888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachaelGold/pseuds/RachaelGold
Summary: What does it take for Chakotay to turn his back on the happiest marriage in the Alpha Quadrant?Kathryn and Chakotay have been married for two years and have a one year old son.Chakotay goes absent without leave. Is there any way back for him?Warning: some scenes of torture. Rather darker than my usual fare, but a happy ending is a requirement in my universe!There is a child in this story, but he does not play a hugely significant role.Setting: 2/3 years Post-Endgame





	1. Chapter 1

An angry Kathryn Janeway is a formidable sparring partner. She can argue articulately, fit twice as many words into one sentence, surprise you with twists you never anticipated, dodge any parries with dextrous skill, and strike like a cobra. Chakotay knew this. He’d had years of experience at handling her: seven years as her First Officer, and two years as her husband. If he was honest with himself, he often gave in to her just to keep the peace. It was less painful that way. It has to be something very important for him to be prepared to stand up to her, and this time it was. For once it wasn’t because she was putting herself needlessly in danger, it was because of something from the darkness of his past. 

Kathryn was in fact furious. "This is not your battle anymore," she told him. "Leave it to younger men. People without responsibilities." 

"That’s just it," he countered. "There are no younger men. They were very nearly all wiped out. This is my responsibility, whether you like it or not." 

"But you have a wife and a son. They are your responsibility now. You should be putting them above all else. Nothing is more important." 

No, nothing is more important. And he loved them both beyond anything, but they would be just fine without him for a while. He had to go. She must understand. He cannot leave the remnants of his people to the mercy of the renegade Cardassians. He wouldn’t be an honourable man, if he did. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself, if he did nothing. 

Kathryn didn’t entirely agree. Sometimes you have to accept you are fighting a lost cause, she told him. People throughout history have had to come to terms with being on the losing side. Very often they rise up all the stronger for it. Wouldn’t he be better using his energy trying to persuade his people to relocate? Perhaps they’ll have a future then. The young will have a chance to survive, to rebuild the foundations of their community. Where is the wisdom in fighting until there is nothing left to fight for? Until there is no one left standing? People are more important than land. 

Of course, she didn't fully understand the value his tribe attaches to the land. "My people will not give in. They’ll fight to the bitter end for their land," he told her. "It is their heritage. They’d rather die defending it, than live without it." 

"Then stubbornness and pride could in the end prove to be more devastating to your tribe than the Cardassians," she replied. "They may ultimately be responsible for their own annihilation." 

"That may be true, but I still have to go." 

This was one argument Kathryn was not going to win. He was going and that was that. No appeals to his logic, no pleas to let the Federation handle it diplomatically, no threats about how it might affect their marriage or his son, no tears and no anger were going to move him. Noble warrior that he was, he was going to defend his tribal homelands. 

The argument had raged bitterly for a day and a half, until finally she had to stand and watch in horror as he packed his things. It was the culmination of something that had been festering for weeks. At the beginning, she had watched him uneasily, offering her sympathy and advice as news began to filter through. There had been lightning strikes made on the exposed communities of the former demilitarised zone by groups of Cardassian bandits, right under the noses of the Federation occupying forces. They were stealthy, corrupt and vengeful, disappearing without a trace after each assault. No-one knew where they were secreting themselves. Some thought that many Cardassians knew, but were protecting their own. The attacks were becoming ever more daring, ever more bloody and violent, mercilessly laying waste to whole communities and destroying lives. She’d watched as Chakotay’s mood had darkened, as the anger began to take hold. He felt increasingly frustrated by the Federation’s impotence, by its willingness to let the renegades get away with it. They always seemed to seek the diplomatic route, which meant appeasing the Cardassian authorities, despite their being an occupying force. How little had changed over the last ten years! 

The final catalyst had been a call to arms from Sveta, telling him that the remnant of the Maquis, the majority of which had returned on Voyager, were regrouping. If the Feds. were going to sit back and do nothing, then the Maquis were certainly not. 

Finally he descended the stairs to the main door of their comfortable home, carrying a few meagre possessions and changes of clothes in a bag. Kathryn was waiting there, Alex fretting in her arms, her face like thunder. 

"Don’t do this!" she said in a voice of steel. 

"I have to." 

"You’ll get yourself killed." 

"Kathryn," he said firmly, looking her in the eye, "There is no way I won’t be coming back to you and Alex." 

Kathryn didn’t respond. He bent and kissed Alex’s soft head. "Hey, little man, look after mommy for me!" he said, ruffling his hair. He bent to kiss Kathryn on the cheek, but found no softness there. Her back was ram-rod straight and she was in full armour. The walls he had so carefully taken down two years before were back up. It pained him to see it, but he had to keep his resolve. 

"I love you!" he said sincerely, his fingers delicately skirting her cheek and jawline, lingering lovingly for a few moments. Then he saw it…the flicker of doubt that crossed her eyes. It filtered into his mind that he might be doing irreparable damage to their relationship, but he forced the thought away. If he stayed any longer, she might break him down. He turned, as the door slid open to reveal the wintry landscape. He heaved his bag onto his back, and trudged his way down the path towards the transporter station. 

For a long time, Kathryn stared after him, silently willing him to turn round, but he never did. He vanished into the distance, leaving only dark footprints in his trail, slowly filling with snow. It was a while before her fury dissipated enough for it to hit her that the angry words she had just spoken could quite possibly be the last words she ever said to him. 


	2. Chapter 2

The next few weeks were a living nightmare for Kathryn. At first, Chakotay sent a number of loving messages to her and Alex. Having accepted that he was gone and that nothing would change that, she at least had the grace to return them with loving messages of her own. She told him she loved him too, gave news of what they were doing and begged him to keep himself safe and come home as soon as possible. The authorities studied both sets of messages carefully, trying to ascertain what the Maquis were up to and where they might be. She was more than happy to let them. At least Chakotay would be safe if they apprehended him. 

At work, she found herself sidelined. She was stuck in a back office, sorting through the most dreary and minor issues. It was very frustrating, but she realised that she was also being viewed with suspicion, and being kept away from any sensitive material. 

She was interviewed by numerous journalists. Now used to being a celebrity and the focus of media attention, this was not particularly disturbing in itself, but now it was Chakotay they were asking about. Where was he? What was he doing? Had she heard from him? It seemed rather feeble to admit publicly that she didn’t know. 

The majority of Voyager’s Maquis crewmembers had vanished too. One of the few who had declined the summons had been B’Elanna. She had not the slightest intention of leaving Miral and Tom, especially as she had a second child on the way. The authorities were watching her carefully as well, being a former Maquis and a good friend of Kathryn and Chakotay. The next few weeks cemented their friendship, as B’Elanna took it upon herself to try and smooth Kathryn’s frayed edges. She knew just how much Chakotay loved his wife. She decided that the best she could do for her dear friend was to try to ensure that this precious marriage was still waiting for him when this was all over. 

Most of all she provided a sounding board for Kathryn’s feelings of frustration and anger. She understood Kathryn’s fear for his life and her sense of abandonment and isolation. She was being increasingly viewed as a liability by Starfleet, and something of a social outcast in the outside world, so she and Tom saw a lot of Kathryn and Alex, doing their best to support her. 

As time ticked by, Chakotay's messages petered out and there seemed no real information as to what the Maquis were doing. Everything was just rumour or speculation. They were laying low, and thus far hadn’t actually done anything to incriminate themselves, but that was about to change dramatically. 

Kathryn and Alex arrived home with some supplies late one afternoon, to find B’Elanna waiting anxiously for her. 

One look at her friend told Kathryn something was terribly wrong. 

"Oh God, what’s happened?" asked Kathryn, her heart in her boots, fearing the worst. "Is Chakotay…" 

"No, no!" B’Elanna said quickly. "He’s okay, as far as I know. But they’re in a lot of trouble now." 

Kathryn pushed through the door into the hallway, Alex on her hip. "Tell me, B’E" 

"They’ve stolen a starship." 

"What??? H***S***!!!," she replied, shocked to the core. She really couldn’t believe this of her husband. "A ‘Fleet ship?" 

"Yes, the _USS Pioneer_. Intrepid class. It was in dock at Utopia Planetia nearing the end of an overhaul…" 

"Yes, yes. I know." 

"They broke in during the night shift, and took off." 

"What the hell were they thinking?" 

"They were desperate." 

"If they survive this, and that’s a big if, they’ll get ten years minimum." 

"I know," said B’Elanna miserably. "I don’t know who was involved. Maybe it wasn’t Chakotay or any of our people. I’m afraid it’s all over the news." 

Kathryn closed her eyes, trying hard to reconcile herself to this appalling news. "They’re involved!" she said quietly. "This has the ex-Fleeters stamp all over it. And Chakotay will have been in the thick of it. Who else would have sufficient inside knowledge of Starfleet security and encryption codes to get a hold of something as big as a starship and then get away with it? Besides, there aren’t that many of them any more…and the majority of those came from…." 

"Voyager," supplied B’Elanna. 

"Exactly." At this point, Alex whined for attention, and Kathryn carried him through to the kitchen on autopilot. She quickly fixed him a drink, and sat the satisfied toddler on the floor, soothing him as best she could. Now unencumbered, Kathryn stepped back, closed her eyes and leaned on the storage units for support. Her legs were turning to jelly. 

B’Elanna, anxious about the woman who she had admired so much over the years, and who was now her friend, gave her a comforting squeeze on the shoulder. 

"I think I should fix you a drink," she said watching Kathryn’s tortured face carefully. "Coffee? Something stronger?" Kathryn nodded slightly, and B’Elanna fetched two brandies from the replicator. 

She made Kathryn sit at the dining table, and, as she took a seat opposite, Kathryn buried her head in her hands. Her body began to shake, and B’Elanna realised that she was on the point of tears, something she had never witnessed during all the years she had known her. The composure of the Captain had never faltered publicly despite all the terrible tragedies of the Delta Quadrant. 

"Kathryn…" she said softly. 

"How could he…he do this to me? Do this to us both?" 

"He loves you, I know that!" 

"Yeah…some way to show it!" Kathryn snorted derisively. 

"Of course, he does. He once told me he thought he had the happiest marriage in the Alpha Quadrant." 

"Huh! Well, it’s all gone sour now." 

"No, it hasn’t. He’ll be back, you know he will. There’s no way on earth he’d leave the two of you." 

"He already has. He won’t be back," Kathryn lamented, shaking her head. 

"Yes, he will. He’ll find some way to make it right…" 

Kathryn stared at her friend through eyes pooling with misery. "Don’t you realise, B’Elanna? He _can’t_ come back! He _can’t_ make it right! He’s a wanted man now. In one fell swoop, he’s thrown the rest of our lives in the garbage can." 

B’Elanna recognised the truth when she saw it. There was nothing she could say to counter this argument, so she settled for taking her friend into her arms. 


	3. Chapter 3

_Prrdeep._ The communications console in the lounge flashed, and B’Elanna saw immediately that Kathryn was calling her. "Visual!" she ordered, and Kathryn’s face appeared on the screen, composed, but showing evidence of the anguish she was being put through. "Kathryn?" 

"Hello, B’Elanna." 

"How are you doing? Any news?" 

"I’ve just been interrogated for four hours by the Fed. Police. Seem to think the Maquis had inside information, and that I might have given away access codes for the _Pioneer_!" 

"Hell, Kathryn. Are you OK?" 

"Just about." 

"Have they gone? Do you want Tom and me to come over?" 

"No…no, don’t. You spent long enough here yesterday. Thank you for staying, by the way. I really needed the support." 

"Any time. They can’t have any grounds to detain you, Kathryn. I can understand they might have a few suspicions, but they can’t have any evidence that might support it." 

"No. They haven’t. And I think I finally convinced them that I haven’t done anything, and that the Maquis were well capable of planning and executing the thing entirely on their own. But they have this way of making you feel guilty, even when you haven’t done anything…." 

"Don’t I know it!" B’Elanna said. "Kathryn, you’ve nothing to feel ashamed about!" 

"I know. I’m trying to tell myself that…but it isn’t easy. I’m tainted by association…" 

"So am I, in a way!" 

"Have they been to question you?" Kathryn asked with a touch of concern. 

"Not this time. Not yet." 

"They may show up." 

B’Elanna nodded. "Did you get any sleep last night?" 

"Precious little, which made it so hard to field the questions. I’m shattered." 

"How about we take Alex for a bit…then you can get some rest?" 

"No, but thanks. Mom’s had him all this time. I’d best get myself over there." 

"Well, if there’s anything…" 

"Thanks." Kathryn smiled at her former Chief Engineer. This woman had proved her worth over and over, and had now become a valued friend. "They obviously had no idea where they’ve got to with the ship. Apparently they also have some merchant vessel, a legally acquired old rust bucket, not capable of anything more than warp four, and all the fire power of waste disposal unit. Yet, with all the sensors in the Alpha Quadrant sweeping the cosmos, they can’t even find that!" 

B’Elanna laughed. "Then they still have some tricks up their sleeves!" 

"So it seems." 

"They told you this?" she said in some surprise. 

"Yes. I thinking they were gauging my reaction. See if I’d let anything slip. Of course, it might not all be true." 

"It has a ring of truth about it. But what use would a merchant vessel be?" 

"Not much, beyond transportation. No wonder they wanted the _Pioneer_. It would be suicide to engage the Cardassians with anything less." 

"I’ve no doubt they can justify their actions to themselves." 

"You’re probably right," Kathryn agreed, almost imagining Chakotay now, telling her that one starship is of little value measured against the lives of innocent people. "B’Elanna, they’ve put Chakotay and Ayala at the top of the wanted list." 

  


* * *

  


Far away, Chakotay could indeed justify the actions of the Maquis to himself. More or less. He would rather not have borrowed a Federation starship, but he could see no viable alternative. They needed good transportation, reasonable fire-power, and they needed it quickly, otherwise their whole mission was pointless. The ends justified the means, he thought. People’s lives were more valuable than hardware, albeit rather large, expensive hardware. 

It made him ache thinking of what Kathryn would make of this, and knew there would be a time of reckoning. He hoped that their achievements would vindicate him long before then. He missed her and Alexander terribly. Without them he was incomplete. Yet he was painfully aware that every day took him that bit farther away from them. Was he risking stretching the tie between them too far? 


	4. Chapter 4

The _USS Redemption_. Such an appropriate name, Kathryn thought, given that she had been sent on this mission as a test of her loyalty. She had been disbelieving at first when they’d offered her the mission...no, ordered her on it. She wondered at their wisdom in picking her. They justified it by telling her she had the greatest expertise on the Maquis in Starfleet. She knew many of their tricks, the way they thought, the places they’d hide. After all, she was married to one of them, and had lived with forty or so of them for seven years. So she had been sent to find them and put a stop to their fun and games. Her brief was to arrest the criminals involved and recover the _Pioneer_. It had a ring of familiarity to it, not so different from orders received once before, but it placed her in a bit of a dilemma. Not only that, but she’d had to leave Alex with her mother and sister for a while. Still, it got her out of the back office where she had been filling in forms and sorting requisitions for a few months. 

Yes, she’d been in this position once before, but the situation was very different this time. Nine years ago the Maquis had been a force to be reckoned with. Now they had only two ships, only one of which had any fire power worth mentioning. Nine years ago the Maquis had been strangers, merely faces on computer files. Now many of them were her friends, people she cared about deeply, even if their actions warranted punishment. And one was her husband. 

The Maquis were not much more than a nuisance now, blowing a few Cardassian pirate ships out of the sky…people it was hard to have any sympathy for. They had been perpetrators of heinous crimes, murderers and pillagers. The Maquis were only acting out of their frustration at the Cardassians’ blind eye to what was going on, and the Federations’ insistence on pursuing the diplomatic line to the letter. So the Federation had sent one ship, whose primary intention was to recover the _Pioneer_ , and she was on it. 

This was not Voyager, and the crew were not hers. She felt very isolated on board this vessel. She glanced across at Captain Howard. He was a grey-haired rather rigid man, and under other circumstances it might have been possible to have formed a friendship on some level with him, but she knew without being told that he would be watching her every move, reporting to Starfleet any suspicious activity or slight deviation on her part from accepted practice. She knew her situation was very precarious, and she felt she was as much under surveillance herself as any of the areas of occupied space they were searching. 

They were entirely right in assuming that she, of all people in Starfleet, had the best chance of tracking the Maquis down. She willingly offered much advice on what to scan for, the sorts of places they might hide, the kind of trail they might leave, the spatial eddies that weren’t quite as they should be…indeed she had a natural aptitude and sixth sense about such things. Moreover, she wanted Chakotay brought home as much as they did. After three weeks of searching, one of her hunches paid off, and an obscure signature was picked up about three light years away, in a rather fluid area of space called the Valkor Channel. Communications with the vessel suggested it was merely a freighter carrying fuel and ores around the occupied territories. Kathryn was convinced that scans of the wake from the vessel suggested otherwise. And it had a shadow…probably the second vessel travelling with them. She was sure she had found them. 

Howard was sceptical at first, and the _Redemption_ stood its distance in stealth mode. Technically, she outranked him, but she was having to tread very carefully. The suspicious vessel did not have a Federation signature, and Kathryn couldn’t believe the man’s lack of imagination. She insisted that the Maquis were entirely capable of disguising the signature, and indeed would have been completely foolish not to. She finally convinced him to follow the lead, before the Maquis could pick up on their presence and quickly vanish. 

On the Bridge, she took a seat next to the Captain, as he finally gave the orders to close the space, and fire immediately at shields and nacelles to disable the ship. The manoeuvre was expertly carried out, and the vessels…there were indeed two of them…were taken completely by surprise. 

The distinctive outline of a Starfleet Intrepid class starship filled the viewscreen, albeit with another name in strange alien script painted where the word _Pioneer_ should have been. A smaller older merchant vessel tried desperately to place itself as a shield between the two Starfleet vessels, but it was too late. The _Pioneer_ had been both identified and heavily damaged. 

A second volley of shots took out much of the weapons array, before the _Pioneer_ managed to retaliate with a few feeble shots of its own. The element of surprise had given the _Redemption_ the tactical advantage, and there was never any chance of the _Pioneer_ prevailing. 

At this point, Kathryn took over and ordered a cease-fire and an open communications channel. 

Chakotay’s handsome head filled the viewscreen. His hair looked a little greyer, and he was wearing his old Maquis clothing. It was five months since she had seen him. His face registered utter surprise, when he saw who was hailing him. Time rolled back for a moment, as he studied the erect pristine form of Admiral Janeway, her hair in a bun just as it had been nine years before. Only the uniform was slightly different. He caught his breath at the feeling of déjà vu. 

"Kathryn!" escaped from his mouth before he could stop himself. 

"Captain Chakotay," replied Kathryn rather formally, "By the power vested in me by the Federation of Planets, I order you to stand down weapons and surrender your vessel!" 

"Kathryn? So formal? You’re here to arrest me?" Chakotay asked in disbelief. 

"Those are my orders." 

"No greeting for your husband?" 

"Business first." 

"Well, let me inform you I have no intention of surrendering this vessel." 

"It is a stolen vessel." 

"Let’s just say a borrowed vessel, my dear." 

"Don’t pick hairs." 

"Well, I prefer my word for it." 

"I’m sure you would. It’s time to return it." 

"Well, I beg to differ. We haven’t finished with it yet." 

"Chakotay," said Kathryn, losing patience, "Resistance now will only make things more difficult for you later." 

"Sorry, no can do!" He stared at the unflinching woman with an equal defiance. 

"You have been instructed to surrender the vessel. You have sixty seconds to comply, or we will resume fire," she stated firmly. 

Chakotay signalled something to somebody off-screen, and Kathryn’s brow knotted in suspicion. 

"I don’t think you’re going to fire…after all I’m sure you want this ship back in one piece. A little patience and you will have it, Admiral Janeway!" he replied, emphasising her title slightly scornfully. 

"Captain Chakotay. I said sixty seconds. The clock is ticking. End transmission." 

Her eyes met Howard’s, his face a mask of steely determination. 

"Arm the photon torpedoes! Target their warp core!" he ordered. 

A heavy silence hung over the Bridge, as the sixty seconds laboured by. 

As the time expired, Howard again threw a cold assessing look at Janeway. She was watching him just as warily, the tension knotting her stomach. 

"Open fire!" he ordered. 

"Belay that order, Lieutenant!" she barked at Walters, the man at tactical. 

"Admiral, we have to stop them!" said Howard. 

"Not at all costs." 

"They’re preparing to go to warp…" interjected Walters. 

"Now, Admiral!" said Howard, his eyes flaring. 

"It’ll destroy the ship…" 

Howard hesitated for only a few more moments, before announcing, "Admiral, I have the jurisdiction to override your orders, if I consider you to be failing in your duty. I hereby relieve you of your rank. Lieutenant Walters…open fire!" 

"No! Don’t do this!" shouted Kathryn, in a futile attempt to stop the carnage. It was too late. A blinding flash of light had already streaked away from the _Redemption_ , arcing across the blackness of space. In seconds there was an answering explosion, as a ball of fire filled the viewscreen. 

In the silence that followed, Kathryn stared at debris field in utter stupefaction. Walter’s calm voice broke through, although it took a moment for what he said to register. 

"Sir, we hit the freighter. The _Pioneer_ went to warp with seconds to spare!" 

"Damn!" 

Kathryn rounded on Howard. "You just killed dozens of innocent people!" 

"Innocent? I hardly think so." 

"It was heavy handed, and you know it!" 

"Well, the Federation has a good deal fewer Maquis to worry about now!" he spat. 

"The prime directive forbids us to use a disproportionate amount of force…" 

"They were murderers…." 

"They were vigilantes at the very worst, and probably only a few of them. None of them have been tried, much less convicted. They did not deserve to lose their lives!" 

"Janeway, Starfleet was right when they ordered me to watch you. They knew you would fail them when you came face to face with your husband." 

"My orders were to recover the ship…not to blow it out of the sky!" 

"Well, you failed. They’re gone." 

"We’ve lost them for now…it’s one move in a game of chance. They've been heavily damaged. It doesn’t make the mission a failure." 

"We haven’t got the time for game playing, Janeway. My orders were to stop them at all costs." 

"Then your orders were inhumane! Have you no compassion?" 

"Get off my Bridge!" he snarled. "Kathryn Janeway, I hereby charge you with contravening orders from Starfleet High Command! Security, escort Janeway to the Brig!" Two ensigns grabbed her by the arms. She shook them off. 

"I know my way!" she said, defiantly. She turned and started towards the turbo-lift. 

"Think yourself lucky I didn’t call it treason," Howard threw after her. 

"Howard, I hope you can sleep at night!" she said, turning momentarily and fixing him with her gaze. "You won’t find them, you know. Without me, you won’t find them again!" 

"We’ll see about that," he replied with a sneer. But Kathryn walked off the Bridge feeling pretty confident about it, and in the end she at least had the satisfaction of being proved right. 


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn was taken straight back to HQ in disgrace, where she was fearful that she would face charges of dereliction of duty, although she felt strongly that she could argue her case legitimately. 

It seemed that legally Starfleet agreed. Considering her case, they knew that Howard’s actions had been heavy handed. But equally they knew Kathryn could not be counted on to act in the Federation’s best interests any more. She was a thorn in their flesh, as she had been since the beginning of the affair. She was called before a board of Admirals, and told they would accept her resignation by the end of the day. If it was not forthcoming, she would be dismissed in disgrace. She did not feel she had any options. She could have fought the decision, knowing that she had never acted in the wrong, but either way her career was over. She would never again be put in position of trust...she had already endured months of being down-trodden. So she gave them what they asked for, went home to her mom and Alex, and licked her wounds in private. 

Months went by, with very little information coming her way. What little she knew, she gleaned from the newsreels or from the small fragments Owen Paris was willing to divulge. The Maquis were having some limited success defending a few isolated communities, taking out some of the Cardassian key players. But there were always more Cardassians to fill their places, despite their being an outlawed group. No doubt the _Pioneer_ was in poor shape by now. They could not have found it easy to make repairs. Eventually, the enemy would prove to be too strong for one isolated under-manned ship to have much of an impact. 

Kathryn struggled to find work. She did odd jobs of teaching, but there weren’t many establishments prepared to risk their reputations by taking on a disgraced Admiral, wife of a terrorist. There were a few trading companies rather less fussy, willing to employ an experienced Ship’s Captain, but they wouldn’t allow her to take Alex into space, and there was no way she was leaving him behind again. Consequently, she had to move back in with her mother, who was quite literally her salvation. She did what she could to supplement their income, even waiting on tables. She became an object of pity or worse. 

The one redeeming thing she could salvage from her marriage was Alexander. He was such a beautiful happy child. She could look at him every day and feel that, despite how awful things had become for her, she was truly blessed by his presence in her life. He somehow gave her the strength to carry on. Without him, she didn’t know how she would have done so. He reminded her painfully of Chakotay…dark hair, dimples and placid sunny nature. It also hurt her to think how much Chakotay had missed of his life. He hadn’t been there for his first steps, his first words nor his second birthday. She tried hard to talk to him about his father, to regularly show him pictures, but as the months slipped by, she knew it would be a stranger who came back. If he came back. 

She had a lot of free time on her hands. She would take him out for long walks in the autumnal afternoons, trying to hold her head up high even when people looked at her with hostility. Once she was sitting on a park bench, while Alex was delightedly chasing the golden leaves as they blew around in the wind, when a man stood close by looking at her rather suspiciously. This in itself was not strange. She was recognised everywhere she went, having once been a heroine…but his eyes narrowed, and she was instantly on her guard. 

"Alex, come here!" she said, anxiously rising to collect the child. 

"Well, well…the collaborator!" said a dark voice, laced with hostility. 

She pulled the protesting child protectively into her arms, as a ball of spittle splurged onto the side of her face. 

"Proud of yourself are you?" 

She rose to full height, turning to face him. 

"Are you? Menacing a woman and a child?" 

"A bastard, you mean. A traitor’s whore and a traitor’s bastard!" Kathryn took a moment to try to assess the situation. She wanted to defend herself, but it probably wouldn’t be wise to provoke the man. She had Alex’s safety to consider. Fortunately at this point, a couple walking a dog came into view, and the man decided his opportunity was disappearing fast. "You’re the scum of the earth…both of you!" he finished with loathing, before flying from sight. 

Kathryn stood there rather shocked for a few moments, as the couple drew up to her. 

"Are you alright, love?" asked the man sympathetically. 

Kathryn smiled weakly. "Yes, I think so. Thanks." The woman offered her a tissue to wipe her face, which she accepted gratefully. 

"Was he threatening you?" 

"It could have turned nasty." 

"Well, he seems to have gone now," said the man, surveying the wooded area which had swallowed Kathryn’s tormentor somewhat anxiously. "I think we’ll walk back the other way, just to be safe! Walk with us, if you like, dear." 

"Thank you," she said, fixing Alex in his hoverchair. 

"Not everybody thinks like that…" 

On the way back, Kathryn was reminded that there were a few forgiving people in the world and for that she was thankful. At least her mother, Phoebe and her family had stood by her, as well as Tom, B’Elanna and a number of her other friends. But life had dealt her a raw deal. This wasn’t the only unpleasant incident that she’d had to cope with. For herself, she didn’t want to let people intimidate her into staying home, but equally she didn’t want to subject Alex to any of this. She began to wonder if she would have to leave earth to find a place where she could earn respect again, and she began to feel a profound anger churning deep within her at Chakotay for causing all this. 

Alone at night, she would sometimes be engulfed with sadness. Her mind would swim with memories: Chakotay’s gentle teasing, his words of love, his amazing hands setting her body on fire…her sense of loss was profoundly consuming at times. Eventually, sleep would steal her away and blissfully wipe out the sorrow for one more night. Sometimes she would wonder if Chakotay felt any of this pain, but the moments when she did so became fewer and fewer. She had no way of knowing that several light years away the cries of her soul where echoed by those of her husband. 


	6. Chapter 6

Winter came again, and Spring. Chakotay had been gone fifteen months, and she’d only set eyes on him once in all that time, and even then she'd stared at him across the empty blackness of space. The news continued to tell her that the Maquis were failing to make an impact as the Cardassian insurgents gained support and strength. The attacks on the colonies in the former demilitarised zone, which had abated for a while, were now occurring with increasing frequency. Eventually the few surviving colonists, many of whom had been struggling for years to reclaim the land poisoned in the previous conflict, capitulated. They reluctantly gave up their attempts to stay in their old tribal lands, and accepted Federation offers to re-home them on other planets. Despondent groups of refugees were soon seen on the viewscreens, dragging whatever they could salvage with them, and taking transportation on Starfleet vessels to their new homes. They were a dispirited and defeated people. They had lost their homelands…the places of their birth and that of their ancestors. Nothing could ever replace that. But those that were left had finally been persuaded that the cause was lost. They had to move, if only to preserve the remnant of their tribes. Too many had already died, doggedly trying to hang on to the past. Whether the Maquis had any influence in their decision, it was not known. They were laying low, probably some of their number dispersed amongst the refugees. 

In due course, the battered _Pioneer_ was returned to Federation hands via an intermediary. By no stretch of the imagination could she be considered to be in the same condition in which she had been taken, but much of the damage had been done by the _Redemption_. Of the people that had once been on board, there was not the slightest trace. 

One bright promising day in late Spring, Kathryn took Alex, as she often did, to spend the day with the Paris family. Alex always enjoyed being around Miral, and there now was eight month old Harry Thomas to admire. 

The entire family greeted them at the front door, and Kathryn was reminded once again how precious friendships are. B’Elanna seemed just a little on edge, but Kathryn thought that maybe it was just her imagination. 

They went through into the backyard, where B’Elanna served the requisite coffee to her guest. Then she tempted Alex indoors with a promise of milk and cookies. 

Alex went willingly. He was very comfortable in B’Elanna’s presence, and cookies won out over playing with Miral for a moment. 

In the kitchen, there was a tall dark stranger. This did not at first worry him, as the cookie was the focus of his attention, but the stranger started to talk to him. He called him softly by his name, said how much he’d grown, ruffled his hair. Alex quickly became agitated. He had developed an unsurprising wariness of unknown men, and clung to B’Elanna’s leg, hiding his face shyly. 

"Don’t be scared, Alexander," said B’Elanna, lifting him and moving closer to Chakotay. "This is your father!" She tried to hand him to Chakotay, but Alex was having none of it. He just whined, and clung all the more tightly to B’Elanna. 

"I guess he doesn’t remember me!" Chakotay said in disappointment. He shouldn’t have been surprised. He had been absent without leave for over half of Alex’s life. 

"Be patient!" advised B’Elanna. "You’ll need to spend some time together to get to know one another again." 

"That’s going to be rather difficult." 

"I know." 

"You’ve been gone a long time." 

"I know." He looked at her miserably. They’d already spent some time debating Kathryn’s possible reaction to his presence. They hadn’t given a great deal of thought to Alex’s. His stomach was already in knots at the coming confrontation, but he knew he had to face it. He had to reach out to the woman he loved, to try to close the yawning chasm between them. It was a chasm of his own making…he knew that, and he desperately wanted to make things right again. But deep down he knew it was probably already too late. He glanced back at the group in the garden. He had been covertly watching Kathryn since she’d arrived. After all he’d put her through, she was looking pretty good. 

B’Elanna and Chakotay talked for a while. She offered every encouragement she could…she knew he needed it, and he grabbed every crumb she threw at him. Her soothing voice eventually relaxed Alex, and he summoned the courage to respond to Chakotay’s chatter, and take the hand that was held out to him. Father and son began to make friends. 

When B’Elanna dared, she left Alex with Chakotay. 

"I’ll send her in," she said, as she headed back to the yard. Chakotay nodded, as his throat constricted. 

Chakotay talked reassuringly to the toddler, though the responses he got were limited by Alex’s vocabulary. 

"Nunner cookie!!!" was about the most eloquent he got, accompanied by gestures towards the jar, just to emphasise his point. 

"Well," said Chakotay, "I guess one more won’t hurt!" 

Just as he was handing the child his second cookie, he became aware of her presence behind him. He turned to face the music. 

Kathryn halted abruptly, her trim figure silhouetted in the doorway. Her face drained of all colour as she took in the scene before her. The moment she’d imagined for many months was finally upon her. Relief immediately washed over her, before other emotions threatened to strangle it. 

"Kathryn!" he said softly. 

Alex cried out and ran to her, hiding in her skirts for a moment, before clamouring to be picked up. Kathryn lifted him, and he buried his head in her neck, his shyness towards the big stranger who had been trying to befriend him reasserting itself. He waved his sodden cookie in the air, smearing damp crumbs into her hair. 

"Chakotay! What the hell are you doing here? If they catch you, they’ll throw you in prison for the rest of your life!" she said in alarm. 

"I needed to see you, Kathryn. I’m done fighting. There’s little left to fight for, and I don’t have the strength to carry on. I want to come home." 

"Home? You don’t have a home any more. You’ve never stayed anywhere long enough to make a home. And you’re a wanted man, Chakotay!" 

"I meant with you and Alex. That’s my home." 

Kathryn snorted. How dare he? "Home is where the heart is, Chakotay. I’m not sure yours was ever with us. And for your information, we don’t have a home any more. I had to sell the house. Thank God my mother took us in." If he thought she was just going to rush into his arms after all this time, he had another think coming. 

"I know. B’Elanna told me. I’m sorry, Kathryn." 

"It’s a bit late to be sorry. Have you any idea what we’ve been through? I was already persona non grata at Starfleet before the Valkor incident, just for being married to a criminal. After letting you escape, they called me back to HQ and told me in no uncertain terms that if I didn’t resign they would dismiss me. I had no choice. We’ve had our names muddied in public. I used to go out with my head held high. I was fêted everywhere I went! Now all I get is pitying looks, or worse, looks of disgust. Alex and I have been heckled and sneered at. I’ve even had people spit in my face. Everybody recognises me, so I even have to disguise myself if I want to take our son for a walk in the park. It’s been hell, Chakotay. How dare you just turn up like this, as if nothing was wrong!" 

He looked at her in misery. He knew all this already. "I’m so sorry. I didn’t think…what can I say? I was so sure you and Alex would be fine. I didn’t envisage any of this happening to you. Nothing I can do or say will make up to you what I took away, I know that. Words are just inadequate, but I am truly sorry." 

"All these months, I’ve heard nothing from you. I didn’t even know if you were alive or dead!" 

"Kathryn, darling, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry." 

They exchanged agonised looks for a while. The pain was so raw. 

"How have you managed?" he said gently. 

"Mostly on my savings and the benevolence of my mother. I managed to get a little work, but it wasn’t easy being the pariah of the known universe. I’m thinking of going to Vulcan. Tuvok has assured me there are plenty of openings there for a woman of my experience, and they won’t hold my association with you against me." 

Chakotay nodded, accepting this with sadness. He knew she wouldn’t really want to be on Vulcan. It was far too hot and arid for her there, and she was a person who thrived with laughter and passion around her. No, her heart wasn’t there. 

"He’s lovely…and he’s grown so much. You’ve done a brilliant job!" he said, deflecting attention by nodding at Alex, thereby taking some of the heat out of the conversation. 

She smiled for the first time. "He’s doing well, yes. Thank God, he’s been too young to realise what was going on." Alex had relaxed enough again to be let down, and he ran back into the yard to play with Miral. 

"I’d always hoped we’d have another one." Kathryn merely huffed at this. He looked at her. She was still beautiful, endearingly so with cookie smudged in her hair. 

"I’ve filed for a divorce," she commented, a hint of apology in her voice. Chakotay had already heard this only days before. It had nearly broken his heart. 

"Yes, I know. Is it what you want?" 

She was silent for a long time, before dropping her gaze. "I think so, yes." 

"Is there someone else?" Her eyes flew up to his in shock. 

"No!" she said emphatically, speaking from the heart. "I haven’t stopped loving you, if that’s what you think." 

"Then, why? Kathryn, why can’t we be together again? Put our lives back together? I love you both now more than ever. You and Alex are the only good things to have happened to me…ever!" 

She hesitated for a moment. "We’ve been apart too long. Become strangers. I don’t know who you are any more. There’s just been too much water under the bridge." 

"We can remedy that." 

"No, Chakotay. I don’t know if we can." 

"Please, Kathryn. We can try! If you still love me, then there’s hope!" 

"No. It’s not that. It’s just….I don’t know if I can trust you any more!" 

"Kathryn!" 

"You’re a liability. I can’t take the risk. Besides, where could we go? You’re a wanted man!" 

"I can have immunity from prosecution on Bajor…and a couple of other places if I want. We could set up home there." 

Kathryn looked at him disdainfully. "And that’s what you want for your son, is it? To live life on the run, hiding from the authorities?" 

"It wouldn’t have to be like that…not on Bajor. And it’s not like you’ve still got some high powered job you’d have to give up. Spirits, you’re thinking of going to Vulcan!" 

"At least that would be my choice. I could leave again, if I chose." 

"Kathryn, please. I love you still, I always will. And I want to be with you. I want to see my son grow up." 

"You should have thought of that before you abandoned us," she said, the anger now rising in her belly. 

"Don’t take that away from me!" 

"You threw it away!" 

"I couldn’t help what I did. I couldn’t ignore the plight of my people. You know that. It’s part of what I am, and I am not ashamed of it. I only hate what it did to you and Alex, but I couldn’t have lived with myself if I had sat back and done nothing. You married an angry warrior, remember?" 

Kathryn fixed him with an icy glare. "I was a fool," she said disdainfully. 

  


* * *

  


Later, when Kathryn had calmed down, they talked a lot about Alex and the missing year or so. Chakotay was glad to be having a normal conversation with his wife, but, as the hours slipped by, he was becoming painfully aware that his actions had almost certainly cost him his marriage. Tom and B’Elanna gave them space to talk. It was their sincerest hope that the two would patch things up, but they were to be disappointed. 

Chakotay explained that he was going to have to slip away under the cover of darkness, and get off the planet pretty quickly. He couldn’t risk staying any longer. He begged her again to go with him. 

"No, Chakotay. I’ve made up my mind…you’re bad for me. I’m not going to give you the chance to ruin my life all over again. I have to draw a line under the past few years, and try to make a fresh start somewhere. I won’t stop you from seeing Alex, if it can be arranged. But don’t you dare go indoctrinating him into any of your warrior idealism….if you do, I’ll cut you out of his life altogether. I’m not going to let him grow up and lose himself as you have." Chakotay studied her with fearful curiosity, wondering if she meant these harsh words. He saw she did. 

"Do you think so little of me?" 

"No, not of you. Only of what you’ve become. Yes, I did marry an angry warrior, but I thought there was a man of peace in there somewhere. He seems to have gone." 

"He’s still there." 

"Is he? I haven’t seen him in a long while. I hope you find him, I really do. I hope that’s the part of you that you show your son." Chakotay looked at her, nearly choking with emotion. He could see she was hardening herself. It was as if she was withdrawing into a shell, encasing herself in some impenetrable armour. There was no way for him to reach out to the real Kathryn. And this was all his own doing. He only had himself to blame. 

Darkness fell, and when a secretive tap came on the backdoor, Mike Ayala appeared to drag him away. He felt as if he was being torn in two. But Kathryn knew she had to stand her ground, despite how it was nearly killing her to do so. If she gave an inch, she would fall under his spell again. She daren’t let that happen. She couldn’t let him damage their lives any more. 

He kissed Alex, and ruffled his hair, just as he had a long time before. Then he gazed into Kathryn’s resolute eyes. He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead, letting his hand thread through her hair to caress the side of her head. 

"I love you!" he said, his eyes glistening. 

"I know," she replied, softening just marginally. 

"Come with me…." 

"No, Chakotay! You won’t change my mind." 

"Sweetheart, you’re all I have left…" 

"Don’t, Chakotay!" she pleaded. 

"Then I’ve lost everything." 

"So have I!" 

"And the price I’ve paid…to uphold my principles…is unbearable," he said, his voice catching. He studied her face for any sign that she might be wavering, and saw none. He sighed. "I want you to be happy. If you’re sure it’s a divorce you want, you can have it. It’ll destroy me, but I won’t fight it, Kathryn. I love you too much to put you through that." 


	7. Chapter 7

The next few weeks were the darkest Kathryn had ever known. She searched herself to see if there was any other way out of this, but she couldn’t see an alternative. Her head had convinced her heart that there was no trusting Chakotay any more. So, in due course the divorce came through, and, although her family and friends watched her anxiously and offered their support, she wept in private. 

A few light years away, her husband was a broken man. He had lost everything. He was drifting, anchorless and alone, angry at himself and at the bitter blow life had dealt him. He wrote Kathryn a few times, telling her how much he still loved her. He even heard back, but her letters restricted themselves to news of Alex and a few holo-vids of him. She had finally taken herself to Vulcan, and found a good job. For that he was thankful. He managed to take himself to Vulcan once, seeing his son for a whole day under Tuvok’s watchful eye, but never setting eyes on his wife. 

He buried himself in helping the colonists settle into their new homes. He had to channel his energies into something positive, instead of dwelling on his misery. He had to focus on some project or other, drive himself from dawn to dusk until he was at the point of exhaustion. It was the only chance he had of sleeping at night. He didn’t dare stop and allow himself any time to think. He would never survive it. 

At first, he had to be cautious, now that he was in Federation Space, ensuring that he never stayed in one place too long. After a while, he began to sense the heat was off, that the Fed. Police had begun to lose interest in a group of people no longer actively undermining Federation policy. If he stuck his head up anywhere obvious, he knew he would still get arrested, but he felt they were no longer actively searching for the remnant of the Maquis. 

But to relax their guard had been a mistake. It didn’t really occur to them that Cardassian pirates would still be after them. After all, they had achieved their aim of clearing the marginal planets of colonists, and knew the Maquis were no longer opposing them. And they thought themselves beyond the reach of the Cardassians, well beyond the perimeter of their hunting ground. The Cardassians would have to be taking one hell of a risk to leave Occupied Space for Federation Space on an unsanctioned mission. 

One night, several months after his confrontation with Kathryn, he had finally slipped into a fitful slumber. He was sleeping in a tent towards the edge of a small community. The village was not guarded. There simply wasn’t the manpower for it. How they knew where he was, he never found out, for it seemed nobody else was taken. Nor were any of the villagers were taken, perhaps because the Cardassians decided they wouldn’t risk enraging the Federal authorities, by committing acts of bloodshed on Federation soil. They’d targeted him. Nobody else. 

He didn’t hear them come, stealthily slipping like panthers through the darkness, between the makeshift houses and under the flap of his tent. The first he knew of anything happening was when a cool hand clamped over his mouth and a weapon bit into his neck. He was dragged, naked from his tent, unable at this moment to see who his captors were. As he attempted to struggle, they kicked and punched him. After this failed to subdue him, a flare of phaser fire stabbed at his temple, and everything went black. 

  


* * *

  


T’Pel came rushing out to Kathryn. She’d been sitting in Tuvok’s beautiful garden reading a book, Alex playing quietly nearby. 

"Kathryn!" 

"Yes?" she said, dropping the book on the bench. 

"B’Elanna’s on the comm. She says it’s urgent." 

"Right!" she said, rising. 

"I’ll watch Alex." 

"Thank you." 

Kathryn hurried inside, wondering what B’Elanna could want that was so urgent. Chakotay couldn’t be in danger any more, could he? 

She activated the comm. "B’Elanna?" She could immediately see B’Elanna was distraught. 

"Kathryn! There’s dreadful news, I’m afraid. Chakotay’s been taken by the Cardassian activists." Kathryn went white as a sheet. This was about the worst possible news anyone could have given her about Chakotay. She knew what it meant. 

"When?" she breathed in horror. 

"Last night. From the colony on Vapori IV. Not much sign of a struggle, and they got clean away." 

"Anyone else?" 

"No. Just Chakotay. No-one knows if he is alive or dead." 

"Oh, he’ll still be alive. Wishing he wasn’t. They don’t let you die quickly." Horrifying though this was, B’Elanna accepted the truth of it easily. She had fought the Cardassians too. 

"Mike and the others are doing their best to figure out where they’ve taken him. They’ve got some ideas…" 

"I’ve got to get over there…" 

"Kathryn, you can’t get involved. You can’t leave Alex…" 

"I’ve got to do something…" 

"Leave it to them. They’ve got a good chance. It’s not like they’re up against the whole Cardassian fleet. It’s just a few outlaws…Their security can’t be that impenetrable." 

"Have they got any transport?" 

"A couple of shuttles, I think. That could be enough!" 

"We should alert the Feds. They might be able to scan for human lifesigns. Believe me, he’d rather be in a Federal prison than…" she left the rest of the sentence unspoken, as the two women exchanged silently despairing looks. Both knew the gravity of the situation. 

"Look, I’m going to DS9. See what I can do from there." 

"I’ll join you. Kathryn…he’s like a brother to me," B’Elanna replied, the distress clearly showing on her young face. 

"I know." 


	8. Chapter 8

"Good, he’s awake," said a deceptively friendly voice. 

Chakotay groaned as he stirred. His head was splitting. He realised at once that he was strapped to a table, but someone had actually put some rags on him to cover his nakedness. 

"Captain Chakotay, welcome to our humble establishment. We’ve waited a long time to meet you." 

"And you are?" 

"Where are my manners? Gul Camet. And this is my associate. Rivan Stor." 

"Forgive me, if I don’t shake your hand." 

Camet laughed at this. Chakotay, trussed up as he was, couldn’t move either of his arms. "I like a good sense of humour. Pity yours will be deserting you soon." 

"What do you want of me?" 

"Well now, let’s just say you’ve rather annoyed us." 

"You haven’t exactly ingratiated yourselves to us." 

"You and your friends should have learned long ago…to leave well alone. The marginal planets are ours now. Purged of the filthy vermin crawling there. It was completely futile to try and stop us." Camet stared into Chakotay’s face with twinkling eyes. "Now, you see, I have to do something about all those friends of mine you’ve killed. I really can’t let you get away with it." 

"It was war. People get killed. I lost many of my friends too." 

"You are right of course. But I think we will have one more scalp for our trouble." 

"If you’re going to kill me, get on with it." 

"Oh, don’t be so hasty, Captain Chakotay. We have plans for you. Do you recognise this?" he said, holding up a small white disc. Chakotay did. He’d seen one before. It made his heart constrict, and his abhorrence must have shown in his eyes. "Ah! I see you do!" 

"You’re wasting your time. I have no information to give you." 

"Information? What makes you think we want information? No, Captain Chakotay. What we want is to see you suffer…to see you broken…to hear you beg for us to end your life. Trust me, when we make this box of magic sing, you’ll be ready to end it all. But we don’t plan on giving you a quick exit. You’ll slowly lose your mind. Sometimes we’re kind. We let people in the final stages go. They throw themselves off the top of the nearest tall building, impale themselves on the nearest sharp object….a fitting end perhaps for a man who considers himself a warrior. Might dissuade a few others from crossing us…but that moment’s a long way off. No, I think we’ll extend our hospitality for some time yet. You’ve a strong body. It’ll last a long time…." 

Using a knife, Camet tore at the flesh on his belly. Some inhuman sound echoed round the room. Chakotay didn't recognise it as his own voice. Camet slipped the object inside and sealed the wound. Chakotay had the sensation of a cool jelly dissolving and integrating itself with his nervous system. 

Camet waited five minutes, while Chakotay tried to breathe deeply and focus his mind in preparation for the coming assault. 

"Good," said Camet, addressing Stor. "We’re about ready. Set it for 5 minute bursts, level 3. Intervals of 10 minutes." Stor fiddled with something on the periphery of Chakotay’s vision. Immediately, his body arched as the pain shot through him. Rational thought was impossible as the burning tore at his nerves. It was like walking through fire. The five minutes lasted for an eternity, and even as the pain abated, his body throbbed from the trauma. 

"Wonderful invention! No mess. We don’t even have to be here. This can go on all night. And that was only level 3. It goes up to 10…but we wouldn’t want to be giving you a heart attack, now would we?" 

Briefly, Chakotay wondered it he would do better not to fight this. Maybe it would all be over that much sooner. But Camet was right. He had a strong body, and they were also experienced at judging things precisely, to prolong the whole agonising process as far as possible. 

"I once had the pleasure of entertaining your wife, you know?" This surprised Chakotay. "A long time ago. She must have been twenty…twenty-one. Attractive little thing. I was looking forward to having some fun with her. She wouldn’t have lasted long. Too thin. Might have been good for some entertainment of a different nature. Pity. Boyfriend rescued her before I could get my hands on her." Kathryn had never told him anything about being a guest of the Cardassians, but then it’s not an experience you wish to relive, even with your intimate friends. He wasn’t sure if he believed Camet. "Oh, I see you don’t believe me. I assure you it’s true." 

The pain hit him again. Between cycles of torture, Camet’s voice droned on, poking fun at Chakotay and everything he valued. He realised that the objective was to slowly destroy his mind. Wear him down until he broke. He had to find something to focus on, something good in his life, that it would blot out the insidious words Camet was spouting. In his mind he formed the images of Kathryn and Alex. Nothing else was powerful enough. 

_

He sees her still, dressed in an amazing pale blue evening dress. It’s shimmering and sparkling as she moves. Seven is beside him, looking good too…no, don’t even think of that. That little episode was so totally wrong. Nobody in the room has the charisma and magnetism of Kathryn. There is simply nobody to touch her, and he’s not the only man to have noticed. Her hair is piled beautifully on her head, elegant swirls of chestnut held by diamond studded clasps. She looks every inch the queen of the return celebrations…as indeed she should be. He cannot take his eyes off her. He can picture her now, walking almost in slow motion behind the columns in the cloistered court, glancing back at him several times. First she smiles, looking amused at his adoration, later she laughs with a toss of her head. She walks with a seductive sway and he realises that she is well aware of the effect she’s having on him. Maybe, she’s planned it this way. Maybe, she’s showing him just what a prize idiot he’s been. Later, he manages to cajole one precious dance out of her, and the feel of her skin under his fingers is electric. 

Seven has to leave early…time to regenerate. She’s not in the best of humours. He walks her to the transport station, tells her that, if she doesn’t mind, he won’t see her home. He’ll go back to the ball. Seven isn’t stupid. She knows what’s going on here, and she acts with the most incredible grace. She tells him to go back and tell Kathryn how he feels. Sends him to her with her blessing. He tells her she is an amazing individual, and someone wonderful will surely be along for her soon. 

_  
---  
  
  


Another surge of pain hits him. It seems to go on and on. As it dies away, Camet’s voice breaks through, reminding him how he’s lost all his friends, his family are dead, the colonies are lost, his son is a stranger…. 

_

He appears back at the ballroom door. The numbers are dwindling. A few people are still dancing, but most are interested in talking to old friends now, Kathryn among them. Something must be funny, for her familiar laughter floats over the music. He walks purposefully across the room and touches her on the shoulder. She is surprised to see him return. She thought he had gone home with Seven. He tells her he wants to talk to her later. Could he possibly walk her home? She says it’ll be a while, but yes. 

He circulates for a while, occasionally glancing in her direction. He steps out into the quadrangle again, and breathes in the cool night air. He’s a little apprehensive. He’s not sure how this is going to pan out, how she’s going to react to his behaviour with Seven. She has every right to be angry, he only deserves her derision. But he knows he has to do this. Nothing in the universe is going to stop him now. 

It is a long time. They are just about the last people there, which is only appropriate for Voyager’s former Captain and Commander. It’s nearly 3 a.m. when they leave, and they decide to walk along the river front back to her apartment rather than take the transporter. As they leave, she collects a warm shawl to wrap around herself. The night isn’t too cold, and the lights play on the dark water, reflected from tall buildings and the few shuttles passing overhead. They talk about lots of different things. They reminisce. He tells her about Seven, how it’s over. She expresses some sympathy, but he says he’s not sorry. He realises with relief that she isn’t going to hold his recent stupidity against him. He tells her how much he’s missed her, and somehow, at some point their hands slip naturally together. They walk ever more slowly, not wanting the evening, nor the comfortable companionship, to end. But inevitably they reach her building. She asks him up for coffee. Nothing in the universe is going to make him say no. 

_  
---  
  
  


His body shakes as the next bout ebbs away. Was that stronger than the last? He thinks it is, but Camet tells him not. He tells him he’s thinking about turning it up. "She divorced you, didn’t she? She doesn’t love you any more!" he says with a sneer. "You could never hold on to a woman. Probably couldn't keep them satisfied..." 

_

They drink coffee and they talk, side by side on her sofa. He has his arm resting on the back of the chair, and gradually it slips so that it is over her shoulder. They talk for hours, two old friends cosying up together, desperate to stay in each other’s company, desperate to rekindle the closeness they had not long ago, perhaps to take it that one magical step farther. Her head slides into his shoulder, her hair begins to fall from its moorings. Its sweet fragrance assaults his senses. They both sigh contentedly, as the morning dawns and the light begins to filter through the windows. In a moment of quiet, he begins to tell her he loves her, but she doesn’t answer. He realises she is fast asleep. 

_  
---  
  
  


"She doesn’t love you any more!"

  


_

He’s slept too. It’s well into the afternoon when he stirs, stiff and awkward. Her head by now is in his lap, her hair in disarray. He smiles at the sight, drinks it in with delight. He watches her adoringly for a long time. Her dress is twisted. If he would just lift it the tiniest of fractions at one point, he’s sure he’d get a glimpse of a precious nipple. The thought sends a delicious thrill through him, but he won’t take advantage of the situation. Instead he settles for swirling her hair with his fingers. 

Eventually she wakes too, and stretches her aching limbs. They smile knowingly at each other, as his fingers begin to drift onto her skin. Nothing in the universe is going to make him leave now. 

He starts to slide the strap of her dress tentatively off her shoulder. He’s watching her eyes carefully. She twists in his lap, so her back is to him. For a moment, he thinks she is pulling away. Then it dawns on him: she’s giving him access to the fastenings on her dress. He undoes them with shaking hands. She twists back and the bodice comes away. Much more skin to explore now. Gloriously beautiful skin. He is electrified. 

Finally, she asks him what he wants. To make love to an admiral, he says with a smile. A voice replies in a soft uncertain whisper. Just once? She wants reassurance, he can understand that. Just once…or twice, he tells her. Every day for the rest of our lives. 

_  
---  
  
"She doesn’t love you any more!"

  


_

They’re in her bedroom now, coming together with a passion and tenderness neither of them could have imagined. It’s unbelievably beautiful, and once or twice doesn’t begin to cover what they’ve already done. They fall asleep again, exhausted, sated, a tangle of limbs. Two halves of one incredible whole. Just as they were always intended to be. Nothing in the universe is going to come between them now. 

_  
---  
  
  


The fire sears through him again. Camet’s voice shouts in derision. "She doesn’t love you any more!" He’s heard Chakotay scream her name, and latched onto this being the one thing most likely to cause him emotional trauma. 

Chakotay’s voice boils up from deep within his soul and explodes into the room. "She does still love me. She does! She told me..........she.....told.....me!" 


	9. Chapter 9

Both Kathryn and Mike Ayala called in a few favours. In the end neither needed to go through official channels. There were more than enough of their friends prepared to risk helping them, especially for a man enjoying Cardassian hospitality. They would all want someone to help them if they were in the same position. 

It helped that the Maquis had a few hunches as to where Gul Camet might be hiding with his prisoner. A few surreptitious scans from their friends on spaceships within Occupied Space alerted them to one human lifesign amongst a few Cardassians in a remote area, at a location that had caught Ayala’s attention on a previous occasion. They were sure they had him. 

If the Cardassians were stealthy, the Maquis easily matched them, and more. Gul Camet never in a million parsecs expected to be discovered in his hideaway, so it wasn’t particularly heavily guarded. The Maquis wasted no time. Under cover of darkness, two small teams went in, silently slitting a few throats on the way. Gul Camet was fast asleep in his bunk, and met a mercifully swift end that he didn’t deserve. The Maquis had no intention of leaving any of this cell alive, to come back and retaliate. 

In a dank dungeon at the rear, a man was slipping in and out of consciousness. The torture had continued into the night, working automatically, although Camet had left long ago to get some sleep. Chakotay’s periods of lucidity had shortened, but he was still trying to fix his mind on the high points of his life. He had run through his wedding, remembering how it was so nearly ruined by the media circus on the day. He remembered Kathryn telling him she was pregnant, Alex’s birth, the thrill of fatherhood and many little moments of joy in between. For short periods he dozed mercifully on a damp mattress, or at least lost all sense of consciousness. Until the pain hit again. 

It was pitch black, and he had no idea whether it was night or day, but some scratching at the door disturbed him. He feared at once that they were back for him, but the door was blown open with no care for its preservation. He heard voices, reassuring voices and somewhere in there he recognised Mike’s. Then he screamed again in agony. His rescuers didn’t wait for it to stop. They cut the binds on his hands, dragged him out of the bunker beyond the transgenic field and had him transported as quickly as possible to a shuttlecraft. Someone quickly scanned him to locate the torture device, and they dug it out without waiting to anaesthetise him. He never felt them do it. 

  


* * *

  


Kathryn and B’Elanna were on DS9 by the time Mike contacted them with their news. Tuvok and T’Pel had come too, partly to help look after Alex. Kathryn was so thankful for their unwavering support. 

The news wasn’t all good. They had taken Chakotay to Bajor, where he was undergoing treatment from Doctors who had dealt with the aftermath of Cardassian torture many times before. He was alive, but severely weakened. The device had been removed, and the physical wounds repaired. But the psychological damage was a different matter. There was serious concern for his mental state. He had been acclimatised to bouts of torture, and the sequence was continuing, even if it was no longer physical. His periods of lucidity were decreasing, and much of the rest of the time he was screaming Kathryn’s name. Mike was preparing to beg her to come. He wasn’t sure she would, and the Doctors thought that this might be the only thing to pull him through. 

Kathryn didn’t need to be begged. She was going to do what ever she could, and she was soon on her way to Bajor with B’Elanna. Tuvok, T’Pel and Alex stayed on DS9. 

On the journey, the two women talked anxiously about Chakotay and his chances of recovery. He had been a guest of the Cardassians for two or three days, much the same as Kathryn’s first fiancé, Justin. He had somehow managed to fight his way back to health, although he had been profoundly altered by the experience. But then he was a much younger man. Kathryn found herself confiding much of this history to B’Elanna, something she rarely did. She found it both difficult and painful to put into words. B’Elanna was astounded and touched that she did so. There were depths to this woman, secrets in her past, that she would never have even guessed at. Even Chakotay did not know some of this. Kathryn avoided revisiting it. B’Elanna thought that maybe Kathryn should talk about it to him. It could bring them closer, and it placed Kathryn in the perfect position to help him. 

When they arrived at the medical facility, they were ushered in. They found Chakotay on a bio-bed thrashing about. He was deathly pale, and seemed delirious much of the time. They had been prepared to find him in such a state, but it was a shock nonetheless. 

The Doctors told her that he was repeatedly calling for her. They assured her that the physical pain had been banished, but that his mind was still lost somewhere. They feared that at the moment it looked as though they were losing the battle. 

He called for her, and she rushed to his side, taking his hand and assuring him she was there. Instantly her voice calmed him, and she sat for hours soothing him with her words, talking about anything and everything. Sometimes her voice hitched, as she watched the stricken man. She still loved him, and hated seeing him like this. 

She held his hand, noticing sadly that he still wore his wedding ring. She stroked his hair, mopped his brow and sometimes his consciousness surfaced, sometimes he disappeared into his own world of suffering. She was able to have a few brief conversations with him, but even then she saw a man filled with despair, a man with no will to live. The Doctors told her to try and talk him round, to encourage him to fight against his demons. B’Elanna tried too. 

Chakotay stilled, and his eyes focused on hers again. "Kathryn, you’re here!" 

"Yes, love. I haven’t gone anywhere. I am staying as long as you need me." 

"Alex?" 

Kathryn tried not to sigh. They’d been through all this several times already. "With Tuvok and T’Pel on DS9. You can see him when you get well." 

"Not going to get well." 

"Yes you are. You’re going to fight this. For me and Alex." 

"Better off dead." 

"No, you’re not. Alex needs his father." 

"I..stranger." 

"No. You spend time with him. He’ll soon get to know you again." 

"You don’t love me anymore." 

"Yes, I do, Chakotay. I promise you, I do." 

"Divorced me…" 

"I’m sorry, Chakotay. I shouldn’t have done." 

"No point. Might as well be dead…" and the madness engulfed him again. 

  


* * *

  


"Kathryn? You’re still here?" 

"Yes, love. I haven’t gone anywhere." They ran through a discussion about Alex again. 

"You’re going to go." 

"No, I’m not." 

"You divorced me." 

"I’ll still stay as long as you need me." 

"No point. Might as well be dead." 

"Don’t say that. You have to fight this for me." 

"You’ll leave me as soon as I’m well." 

"No. I swear I won’t. I still love you." 

"I’m useless to you." 

"Of course you’re not." 

"You're better off without me. No reason to live…" Kathryn gazed into his haunted eyes, and made a momentous decision. 

"You need a reason to live? I’ll give you one. We can get married again." 

"Just saying that." 

"No, no. I mean it. B’Elanna, go see if you can find a priest." B’Elanna jumped up and left the room, excited to be doing something positive to help. 

Kathryn studied his dear face again, and saw there was just the tiniest spark of life in his eyes at last. 

  


* * *

  


B’Elanna arrived back with a priest two and a half hours later. It was pretty quick considering some documentary work was needed. Then there was a delay, while they established that Chakotay was sufficiently lucid for the ceremony to go ahead. 

The priest wore dark hooded robes, and looked nightmarishly like the legendary grim reaper. He stood at the foot of the bed and incanted for ages. Kathryn began to get anxious that Chakotay would disappear again, thus halting the ceremony, but he seemed to be making a superhuman effort to stay with them. Kathryn was sitting by Chakotay, her hand resting on his chest. B’Elanna stood solemnly behind her, and there were two Doctors in the room, who were also acting as witnesses. 

Finally, the priest stopped, and thankfully removed his hood to reveal a surprisingly attractive young Bajoran male. He asked for the rings. Kathryn slipped Chakotay’s off his finger. Then she pulled a chain out from under her blouse, undid a clasp and slipped hers off. As she did so, the first tiny smile hovered on Chakotay’s lips, as he realised that she had secretly kept wearing his ring all this time. Both rings were handed to the priest, and the incantations started again. 

Finally, he asked Chakotay to love and honour Kathryn Janeway in faithfulness even until his dying breath. 

Chakotay managed to promise this in a choked voice, his eyes resting adoringly on his wife’s face. Fortunately, the pair of them were not required to use many words. 

The priest asked Kathryn to love and honour Chakotay in faithfulness even until her dying breath. 

Kathryn held Chakotay’s gaze, his hand still in hers, as she promised to do exactly that. She finished with a smile. He managed to smile back. B’Elanna was the one in tears. 

The priest gave a blessing over the rings and handed a ring to Chakotay to place back on Kathryn's hand. He shakily managed to do this. Kathryn then replaced Chakotay's on his finger, smiling as she did so. 

The priest droned on and on at length about the dire penalties for breaking these vows, and how the wrath of the Bajoran deities would come down on them if they did. Kathryn surreptitiously rolled her eyes, and Chakotay very nearly laughed. 

The priest cleared his throat. "I pronounce that you are united as one. You are to live as man and wife, in the eyes of the deities and in the eyes of men, according to the laws of Bajor." 

Kathryn leaned over and kissed Chakotay on the lips. 

The priest finished his work, congratulated them and handed over the document of marriage, then left. 

"Thank God," said Kathryn. "I thought he’d never finish…" but she saw that Chakotay was delirious again. 

  


* * *

  


Chakotay awoke, his head much clearer and something heavy on his chest. As his mind surfaced, he remembered what had happened earlier, and looked down to see Kathryn’s head resting on him. She was clearly asleep. At some time his hysteria had given way to slumber, and that had allowed Kathryn to relax too. 

He smiled to himself. He forced his free arm to move and lifted it towards her. Her hair was in swathes across his body, and he buried a finger in the sea of red, swirling it about like a delighted child. It took him back to the day she had fallen asleep with her head on his lap. It had been a pivotal moment in his life, when he had been taken in a new and incredibly wonderful direction. 

He'd walk through fire for this woman. In a way, he has. 

His fingers drifted onto her ear, and she stirred. She lifted her head and turned it towards him. She saw immediately that the light was back in his eyes. There might be many more problems to iron out, but the worst was clearly over. She rose higher and smiled lovingly at her husband. 

"You look better." He squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. 

"I’m getting there." 

She kissed him on the forehead. "Take your time. You need to get your strength back." 

"So, what do you think of Bajor, then?" 

"I haven’t seen much of it yet." 

"Weather’s better than on Vulcan." 

"So they say." 

"Coffee's better too!" 

"That wouldn't be very difficult." 

"Fancy living here?" 

"I could be persuaded," she smiled. 

"Things will be different, I promise." 

"No more hare-brained crusades?" 

"Definitely not. I’m too old for all this." 

"You'd better mean it." 

"I do. Besides, considering we are staying here and there are all those terrible penalties the priest listed for breaking our vows, I’d better not put a foot wrong." 

They grinned at each other in amusement. 

"I love you," he whispered. 

"I love you too," she breathed back. 

"Kathryn," he said from the heart, "Nothing in the universe is going to come between us now, I promise." 


End file.
